What if God comes to you one day and tells you the following:

Henceforth, I shall be more active in my Godly duties. I shall now impose on you a few simple rules that have to be followed precisely in order to enter the gates of heaven. However, I will also implement a quick incentives-and-punishments system, monitored closely by my angels, of course, to promote the new commandments and otherwise dissuade unauthorized activities.

First and foremost, seeing that you have all but desecrated the value of sex and have basically humped each other till kingdom come, sex shall now be a sin. You may only have sex within a marriage and only if you have less than 3 children..no..make that 2 children. However, I will also decrease the probability of getting pregnant to 40%. As such, you can have a little bit more sex but not as much as before. As an incentive, males will be able to endure multiple high-intensity orgasms lasting for a duration of at least 3 minutes each. Women, on the other hand, will experience a single orgasm for the entire duration of the intercourse starting from the exact point of penetration to the point of extraction. As punishment for failure to follow this rule, there are a few options depending on the severity of the case. Erring males may face penalties beginning from castration to curving their penises so gravely that it would be impossible to perform any sexual function. Females on the other hand will be punished with 12 pound babies. And before I forget, any activity that can or may lead to orgasm is considered sex except for masturbation. However, masturbation is considered sex if it is performed with another individual. Another thing that you will like is that I have eradicated all sexually transmitted diseases.

Second, as a side note to the first rule, masturbation will remain legal but only up to 2 times a day. The pleasure factor of this activity will remain as it is and the count is based on the number of climaxes. It is agreed that the day begins at exactly 00:01 am. As such, you may have at most 4 orgasm in succession through masturbation - two before 00:01 am and two after. Failure to follow this will result in either impotence or failure to achieve climax for a maximum of three years.

Third, pornography is now legal since the first two rules have basically brought down any pleasure factor that pornography can provide. Take due note that because of the previous rules, if actual intercourse is involved in the film, only married couples may play roles in it. Any other sexual acts must only be imitated.

Fourth, it is now a sin to have body fat composition higher than 20% for males and 40% for females. To make things easier for everybody, I will drop everybody who is now alive to their optimum fat composition except those that are already below it. Babies born on or after January 1, 2005 will automatically be fit, so all they have to do is maintain their physique. As an incentive, exercise will now burn three times more calories than it used to but, at the same time, fattening products such as Big Macs and Pork Rind are now twice as fattening, but that's still an advantage for you. And to make things easier for everybody, 1 calorie will correspond to 1 minute on the treadmill at a zero degree incline at 3 kms/hr.

Fifth, all types of drugs are now legal. It is now also free. Let's see what happens. Note that by drugs I do not mean medicine.



To be continued....