Invites

My friend just gave me 10 invites to the BPI edge launch. Food and drinks are supposedly free. There're two simultaneous parties, 1 in gb3 and another in libis. So i have 10 invites - that makes 1 for me and 9 that i don't know what to do with. If you so happen to be reading this right now and you wanna go, just text me. But i think i've just about covered 4 of the invites so that leaves 5. :)

A post I made in Elaine's Blog

ton in elaine's shoes
elaine's room is a mess. i can walk from one end to the other with half a step. right now she is rummaging through my wallet. she's just served me with sangria and it's made me a bit woozy...oddly enough, i find that i become much more fluent when drunk. not that i'm drunk, just woozy. or so it appears that way, i am intoxicated after all. her house is also very far...not that it matters, but any potential boyfriend would find this to be a bit of an inconvenience. there are two rooms in her house. perfect for two people. but due to some inane reason, they have decided to sleep in one room - the smaller one. the room is a veritable breeding ground for disease, given the fact that two people sleep, smoke and otherwise live here...there are tons of places where dirt, dust and other forms of organisms may hide and thrive...places like nooks and crannies and bedsheets and mattresses and cabinets and drawers and stuffed toys... i don't know how they have sex in this place. haha... one person leaves, she says. of course, otherwise it'd be an orgy. interesting. not because it's an orgy, but it boggles me how it might be possible to have an orgy in such a small space...interesting. anyway, mahaba na ang nasulat ko. kailangan itaguyod ko na ang salitang pinoy. kailangan magamit rin paminsan minsan ang wikang kinagisnan bagamat di ako kasing talinhaga rito kumpara sa ingles. nakakatuwang isipin na hindi na naiintindihan ni elaine ang pinagsasabi ko. yun na lang.

I'm terribly sick. I've been going to work seven days a week for the past month, putting in 12 hour days on weekdays and staying up really really late. I played a hell of a lot of basketball friday night last week then went straight to makati to hang out with some friends. I'm not complaining about work because work's been great. It hasn't been heavy or stressful, it's just that work has a different schedule. In fact, I like going to work on weekends because it's so much more relaxed. Basically, I've just been abusing myself (ahem...not in that way!). So I'm sick.

Leah's Blog

Here's a site that I'd like to recommend. There's not much in it yet but I'e always liked how she writes.

WHITESKYPROJECT

Sometime around January 25 2003

Last night I was awakened by my cellphone ringing. It was this 17 year old girl named Yani who I knew very little about. Of the little I knew, the most stunning and remarkable was that she was most of the time depressed. She told me that her boyfriend had died last year while they were in Tagaytay. He was stabbed 21 times in front of her eyes by a group of young men intent on "getting to know her." What happened after that is a mystery. From then on, she said she had become "wild". It was something she shared openly, and of which seemed truly proud. And it was true. She barely studied and frequently took drugs

I answered the phone only to be hung up on. It was typical of her to ring me in the middle of the night for no reason at all. I called her up only to be hung up on again to my obvious irritation. I sent her a message asking what was up with her only to be answered by her cousin who said that she was gone("..la na cya eh."). And so I asked where she had gone and when she would be coming back, thinking that she might have gone to the states or to Germany, her father's home country. To my dismay her cousin told me she had died the previous Sunday, just 5 days earlier. She had died in her sleep.

She had overdosed on some ecstacy pills. If it was an accident or an action taken out of her own free will no one knows but what I do know is that she could have been perfectly capable of taking her own life. I wasn't surprised at all. It was almost inevitable, merely a matter of time. She had talked about it frequently, about taking her life and she had all the signs of a suicidal person. She had attempted many times before. It was just a matter of everything falling into place. The right time, the right amount of drugs, the perfect solitude and just the right amount of angst and depression and initiative.

Often I greeted her by asking if she was still depressed.

It was odd how her cousin acted so nonchalantly. She said she was using Yani's phone because she was the one who had paid for the credits. How pragmatic of her. She also said that they used to be the best of cousins before Yani went wild. Odder still. She apologized for not having told me earlier. How could she. She never even knew me. Unfortunately the burial was over and I could do nothing more. Come to think of it, I was as nonchalant about it as her cousin. My sisters and I even joked about Yani actually being the one who rang my phone that night. No wonder she never replied to my messages.

So someone dies and I don't care. Do you? Here I am mesmerized by my own problems, succumbed to avarice, blissfully unaware and gleefully ignorant, pretending that I have problems more mature, deeper than a 17 year old's and yet my problems are not as fatal.

How could that be possible. Here we are thinking that we have problems much more mature than when we had graduated and problems much more challenging - problems more phiilosophical even. And this girl has problems about losing a loved one and who knows what else. And she takes her life.

When I learned about her death, all I could say was "what a waste."

What a waste indeed.

===

My bestfriend eagerly replied to this one when I emailed it to her.

She said:

hi ton! read your email about this girl yani. it was
indeed a sad sorry. i really the way you write, very
organized, very clear, very direct to the point, but
not boring. There's a bit of formality in the way you
write, but at the same time, make it sound personal
(cuz it is i guess) hehehe.

kawawa naman...you're right, "what a waste."
but didn't you think you could have helped her? in any
way? the fact the you knew she was depressed, didn't
that call you to some responsibility? at least make
her feel that she has you as a friend? make her feel
that you care? i read your email and i didn't feel
like there was emotion from your part, i guess that's
why it made it sound so formal...personal but at the
same time impersonal. your email sounded just a story
of some girl, somebody unrelated to you.... not
connected to you. you look at it as if it's something
to analyze, not something to do something about. what
does this experience call you to do? getting
acquainted to her and knowing her problem, what did
this call you to do? :)

la lang. i guess her story made me sad. did you even
try to make her feel loved? (hehehehe...here i go
again, with my love love stuff. hehehe)..pero talaga
kasi, to be loved is the first thing we need.... the
one thing that gives us the strenght and the hope....a
child who was give abundant love by her parents grows
up sharing that love to otehrs....and our purpose
everyday is life is to learn to be more loving....
what's my point? i'll get back to you. gotta get back
to work! mmmwah! God bless you!

===

interesting arguments i must say. :)

We always have to be careful with the things we do and the choices we make because our worsts regrets are waiting for us at our deathbeds.

I have to give up now with a smile on my face.

cachinnate \KAK-uh-nayt\verb
: to laugh loudly or immoderately

baksheesh \BAK-sheesh\noun
: payment (as a tip or bribe) to expedite service

effusive \ih-FYOO-siv\ adjective
*1 : marked by the expression of great or excessive emotion or enthusiasm
2 : characterized or formed by a nonexplosive outpouring of lava

Dear Angel,

The myst that hides you simply frustrates me. I seek to understand something that might not wish to be understood at all. I struggle to hear that which might not want to be heard. I strain to get a glimpse of that which might never be seen.

word for the day:

putative \PYOO-tuh-tiv\ adjective
1 : commonly accepted or supposed
*2 : assumed to exist or to have existed

Example sentence:
Until scientists could identify the putative infectious agent behind the disease, which they assumed to be a virus,
there was no hope of finding a cure.

Courtesy of Merriam-Webster's word of the day.

so many people have asked me about angel. she is without time, without space and without identity because she is noone and nowhere and not anywhere in time. she is who i refer to when i am referring to noone or if im referring to everyone or if i'm referring to someone.

Dear Angel,

Even then when I knew so little you intrigued me but now that I know so much I am in awe. Even then when we were worlds apart you struck me but now that we are so close I am captivated. Even then I longed for you and still I long for you now. You took my breath away then and still you take it away now.

Some words:

revanche \ruh-VAHNSH (vowel in second syllable pronounced nasally)\noun : revenge; especially : a usually political policy designed to recover lost territory or status

devoir \duh-VWAHR\noun : *1 : duty, responsibility 2 : a usually formal act of civility or respect

hypnagogic \hip-nuh-GAH-jik\adjective : of, relating to, or occurring in the period of drowsiness immediately preceding sleep

WYSIWYG \WIH-zee-wig\noun : a display generated by word-processing or desktop-publishing software that exactly reflects the appearance of the printed document

foment \FOH-ment\verb : to promote the growth or development of : rouse, incite

bellwether \BEL-WEH-ther ("th" as in "this")\noun : one that takes the lead or initiative : leader; also : an indicator of trends

I am going to miss these days. In my old age I will look back at all these and smile knowing full well that I have lived my life and enjoyed it. And I will also cry knowing that I will never again be able to live like this again except in distant memories. I am going to long for days like these when I can just about squander all the exuberance of my youth on any triviality that I find fanciful.

Lord,

Spare me from this hate that seethes within me. Spare me from this lust. Keep still my violent heart. Save me from this fire that burns me even while my body trembles from the cold.

Work is so de-motivating. It's not even motivating to being with. Fact is they hired us because we're self-motivated, self-driven. They know that there is little they can do, or little they know how to motivate people. What little motivation I had brewing up within me when I started has all but ebbed away! Somebody find me a job!!!

I find that my appraisal hurt because some of the things said were in one way or another true but not completely. Somehow, I can't help but think maybe I could've done better. But for my commitment to be questioned, how dare they?! My commitment to my responsbility and diligence has always been my pride. How could they question that? Have I not had headaches enough? Have I not spared so many weekends?? Have I not worked far beyond my responsibility? And do they not pay me less than what I am worth? And to be called un-creative? What is that all about? Un-creative because I followed format? How else am I supposed to create a report? It's an effin report in an effin regional format you effin Moron!! Sheesh... And they tell me that as a management trainee I'm supposed to always go the extra mile. What extra mile? I remember being told that I will always work as expected. If I finish a project 1 year in advance, it's still as expected. There is no extra mile! And low EQ? Low EQ my effin ass!! If they had the EQ of a billy goat they'd know the least bit about motivating their employees. Sheesh, low EQ my ass. Mother effin morons don't even know the amount of backstabbing and rumor-mongering goes on around the office about them. Effin morons.

Then what motivation is there for me to work harder?? There is no money here. I can clearly remember being told during the interview, "if you're looking to get rich, you're in the wrong place." Somebody find me a job!!

I guess sometimes some people never try to understand only judge. Today I have once again been judged based on my appearance. I have been called arrogant, dark and unfriendly. I have been criticized for having low EQ and for being so transparent and honest. And I have been advised to put on a lighter personality. "Yes, Anton, you are very intuitive and intelligent but..." I think that was the only thing I heard that was good.

Curious Historical Facts:

SHIT

"In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything has to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hits it, not only does it become heavier, but the process of fermentation begins again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stowed below decks in bundles you can see what would (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the if someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOOM!Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term (Ship High In Transit) on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T." (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

FUCK

Even though the acronymic explanations for words such as SHIT, FUCK etc. are indeed interesting and catch our fancy, they are rarely true. FUCK neither stands for:

Fornication Under Consent of the King
Fornication Under Charles the King
Fornication Under Crown of the King
Fornication under Christ, King
Forbidden Under Charter of the King (a sign posted on brothels closed by the Crown)
For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge
Forced Unlawful Carnal Knowledge
File Under Carnal Knowledge (how Scotland Yard marked rape files)or others as widely suggested.

The real origin is by far more tedious...

quote[Fuck] was first recorded in English in the 15th century (few acronyms predate the 20th century), with cognates in other Germanic languages. The Random House Historical Dictionary of American Slang (Random House, 1994, ISBN 0-394-54427-7) cites Middle Dutch fokken = "to thrust, copulate with"; Norwegian dialect fukka = "to copulate"; and Swedish dialect focka = "to strike, push, copulate" and fock = "penis". Although German ficken may enter the picture somehow, it is problematic in having e-grade, or umlaut, where all the others have o-grade or zero-grade of the vowel. AHD1, following Pokorny, derived "feud", "fey", "fickle", "foe", and "fuck" from an Indo-European root peig2 = "hostile"; but AHD2 and AHD3 have dropped this connection for "fuck" and give no pre-Germanic etymon for it. Eric Partridge, in the 7th edition of Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English (Macmillan, 1970), said that "fuck" "almost certainly" comes from the Indo-European root *peuk- = "to prick" (which is the source of the English words "compunction",
"expunge", "impugn", "poignant", "point", "pounce", "pugilist", "punctuate", "puncture", "pungent", and "pygmy"). Robert Claiborne, in The Roots of English: A Reader's Handbook of Word Origin (Times, 1989) agrees that this is "probably" the etymon. Problems with such theories include a distribution that suggests a North-Sea Germanic areal form rather than an inherited one; the murkiness of the phonetic relations; and the fact that no alleged cognate outside Germanic has sexual connotations.

Dear Angel,

I am writing you now because I know there is a future. A time far beyond when we can look back and recall days gone by such as this, days gone by worth remembering because of simple hugs and kisses or even simple letters offering nothing more than future memories. A time far beyond when I can read to you once again this very same letter so we may relive our memories. And the future looks so much brighter now and sweeter still because I am forging future memories with you.

I am writing you now because the future is uncertain but today is already unfolding, and while today unfolds and the future unravels, the past is slowly building and as I write this letter, I am building my past with you.

LETTERS TO ANGEL

Finding meaning has been the main purpose of my life but now that I have travelled so far, I have come to realize that its meaning is where I once stood, from whence I came in the first place. And now I am retracing my footsteps, slowly backtracking, hoping that when I get back – if I get back – my life’s meaning would still be there.